The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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