On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
