I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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