So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
