i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize