im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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