if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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