Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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