we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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