i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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