just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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