im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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