I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
