I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
