I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
