he puts the penis in happiness.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
