I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
