Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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