Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize