The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
