Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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