Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
