i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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