New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
