I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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