from now on my penis is your penis
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
