When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
