I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
