meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
