I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
