Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
