Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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