oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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