my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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