We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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