forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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