nut hugger
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
