I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
