Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
