; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
