even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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