my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
