Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize