youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
