Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
