Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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