Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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