??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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