if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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