I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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