I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
