saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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