I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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