You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
