I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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