I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
