after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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