Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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