Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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