I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize