Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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