Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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